Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ahhhh ...... Peace

Sweet Rose
by John William Waterhouse
One of my favorites of all time!

I had decided I would not post today upon seeing Jamie's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt.
What do I wish to
Come on!
The list is far too long!

As usual, upon further consideration
.... and I wonder if this is not Jamie's intention, to make us do more than pop off the first thing that comes to mind, realizing that there is more to the prompt...more to
US than that......
the answer came to mind----
I wish to experience PEACE.

If I can experience even a small few of the items on my list, I will experience peace.
I wish to experience health.
I wish to experience some semblance of financial security.
I wish to experience the joy of using my God-given gifts each day.

And I wish true peace for myself, my family, my friends, all of us.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Yeah, Yeah.. It's Tuesday....

Hannah doodled this lovely creature from
one of my cast-off portraits.
Wonder what she's trying to represent here?
Rage, depression, contempt?
Is this how my family sees me?

and I am not feeling myself today.
So I suppose that the awful UN-self-portrait is appropriate today.
This one was actually done by my youngest daughter. She snagged one of my self-portrait blanks and this was what she came up with. Unngh....

Changes in health, medication adjustments, changes in my body that appear to be beyond my control, changes in weather....
And FAR too much to catch up with have left me feeling....well....a lot like that creature that Hannah drew.

Instead of finishing a piece I intend to submit to a magazine (due Friday), or making a baby quilt (due before the baby actually gets here!), OR creating something of some substance for our wedding anniversary (which is Thursday---I've been married to that Canadian for 6 years!),
I've moped and slept today.

Patience is not what I'm known for, especially patience with myself.
At this point, I am in a position that I vowed I would never be in.
I hate taking pharmaceuticals in the first place, and stayed off them as long as I possibly could.
First it was meds for the diabetes.
Now it's meds for the fibromyalgia, but one of them is causing my blood sugar to spike, which means taking more of the other to compensate for the damage this one is causing.
I SWORE, after watching too many members of my family balance medications (for things that I thought they should just take responsibility for) that this would never happen to me.
Not only do I feel WAY out of sorts today, I am angry with myself.

It's Tuesday.
I posted a self portrait, as I'd committed to.
Now I think I'll go back into my lair and curl up under the covers.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Guest Post--- Happy Mother's Day, from My Canadian!

Motherhood - "A seed of limitless potential which when nurtured...
blossoms in colors unimaginable... with benefits beyond comprehension"

Mother' Day 2010 is soon to be.

I am not ready for it.

I have often wished that Mother's Day was held on the day of ones birth. A combined affair where the event celebrates the birth of a new being, and the transformation of another.

These celebrations would big like Easter, Thanksgiving, or Christmas, and have a spiritual tone rather than a secular one. The original event of our birth was a very spiritual one. A soul expanding, unifying connection, that unleashed a flood of emotion that, in reflection still holds it's original enchantment and surrealism. These events would be held several times a year, corresponding to the number of births a Mother has experienced. I would not label these celebrations as Mother's Day or Birthday. They would rather be called Love Day, for it is memorializing the first day of loving and being loved.

Lets face it. We were not born with a concept of love. We learned it from our Mothers. We nursed, cried, messed, slept, got sick and then well again, all because our Mother first loved us. As we got older all the hugs, kisses, and snuggles from Mother brought us warm feelings that we enjoyed experiencing. We found that giving hugs, kisses, and snuggles to others also felt good. We may not have understood why these actions created emotions in us, or what these emotions meant, but we would label them as love and continue to grow from there.

As we grew together, Mother would (without any thought or expectation for repayment), express her love for us through her ongoing sacrifice. Sacrifice was a condition that was occurring right from the beginning, starting with morning sickness, emotional disorientation, physical discomfort, cramping, the issuing of blood and water, overwhelming pain, and relentless fatigue. That was your beginning, and now with time, maturity, and understanding, you came to see that her hugs, kisses, and snuggles, may have reassured us, but it was in the sacrifices that she laboured on your behalf that her true love lived and grew.

We emulate what we experience, and when we couple our behaviors with an understanding what they mean, we begin to thrive. Her love for us taught us to love others. Love is what is most important, and is the true measure of greatness in an individual.

Are Mothers perfect? Of course not. But I believe that the concept of Motherhood is perfect, and that all mothers who struggle to do their best in delivering hugs, kisses, snuggles, wiping dirty faces, driving to and experiencing recitals, games and doctors appointments, and issuing forth blood sweat and tears, makes the world much better place than it otherwise would be, and a simple one day a year commemoration celebrating Motherhood seems completely inadequate in comparison to their accomplishments and sacrifice.

Thank You ...Mother.
Thank You... Wife.
Thank You... Mother of Our Children.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Make 'em or Break 'em

"Heh Heh...."

The Canadian laughed when he heard today's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt....
What rules do you wish to make... or break.

"This is going to be hard for you .....You don't like rules. You want to break ALL of them!"

Off the cuff I thought "yeah, he's right. I
don't like rules".

Upon further consideration, I decided that it's not RULES I don't like.
must exist, correct?
Certain universal laws's not the laws I dislike; it's what happens when I don't follow those rules that causes me trouble!

What I dislike vehemently is
No, let me clarify---I dislike authority for the
sake of authority....rules just for the sake of having power over someone else.
Now THOSE rules I'll break every chance I get!

I find myself breaking more and more rules as I learn to just be myself, not listening to others' opinions, not concerning myself with what they might say.
And I'm not feeling remorseful; I'm not feeling guilty.

If I could make my own rules (and I can, can't I?) ---
LOVE would be the basis for everything else....the reason for and the thought behind every other rule.
Love is
THE most important thing there is.
If my rule were in place, there would be little need for any other rules.
Think about it.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Self Deception....the Worst Lies of All

The quote about masks/truth I used on the last self portrait
spawned this portrait, with an actual mask.
My face is in pencil, with a digitally created mask, eye color, and
flower-hair, all attached to a painted background.

We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us,
but we sip only little by little
at a truth we find bitter.

~Denis Diderot

Let's talk about TRUTH, or rather lies.....specifically--- the lies we tell ourselves.....
been on my mind lately.
A lot.

It's been difficult, painful even, to think about; I can only imagine how difficult it will be to write confront the lies, admit them, take responsibility for them.
Frightening as it is, it must be done. I'm convinced that I won't get better, my life won't get better until I own up to this foolishness.

Man has always sacrificed truth to his vanity,
comfort and advantage.
He lives... by make-believe.

~W. Somerset Maugham

I'm guessing that this will be a process, perhaps lengthy...a peeling of layers...
dropping all that is false, all that is not me

Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth,
but by washing away from it all that is not gold.

~Leo Tolstoy

Funny thing, the way this started...Suddenly I could see so clearly how others' self-deception kept them from achieving their goals and desires---stopping their addictions, losing weight, regaining health.
How could they not see it? How was it not clear to them if it was so clear to me??

*how could those fancy new shoes make them firmer if they didn't get up off their a** and out of that recliner in front of the tv??
*How could they possibly lose any weight if they continued to get up in the middle of the night and consume whole cartons of ice cream....not only was that poor nutrition, but it was feeding their addictions, filling that empty hole....


If you cannot find the truth right where you are,
where else do you expect to find it?


And then one day it hit me smack in the face....
Who was I to jump up on my soapbox??
Who was I to point fingers???
How true that old adage....when you point a finger, remember there are three pointing right back at you.

The greatest enemy of any one of our truths
may be
the rest of our truths.

~William James

This day I am committing to ponder those things that I lie to myself about (and the truth is, if I'm lying to myself, then I'm lying to you too).
I know what some of them are off the top of my head; I'm just guessing that there are more lurking under the surface of those lies....even more layers to peel away.

We do not err because truth is difficult to see.
It is visible at a glance.
We err because this is more comfortable.
~Alexander Solzhenitsyn

*I know already that I lie to myself about my diet (big secret! extreme sarcasm)---
I do try to eat healthy foods, but I am not ever-vigilant.
In and of itself, that's not really an earth-shattering confession; how many of us are totally committed to a healthy diet? Truthfully, I mean.
The underlying problem is that I am a diabetic.
And I have severe food allergies.
And I have lupus, and fibromyalgia.
A healthy diet is crucial to my getting well and staying well. Period.

SO many lies!
I'm in too much pain (really? REALLY?).
I don't have time (REALLY REALLY?? And what am I doing? Just sitting here, vegetating.....Truthfully, I got nothing BUT time!)
I live out in the boonies; my driveway is too rough...I might injure myself; I have no car today; I can't afford a class/group; I really am afraid I'll injure myself, again.
Ok, some of those are truths, but I feel certain that they could be worked around if I wanted to do so.

*I claim that I don't use my illnesses as an excuse.
The real truth is that I do sometimes. I don't want to; I don't mean to. But sometimes I do. Like when I'm afraid. Or when I have unresolved issues.

Oh Dear!
The very place where lies are the most inappropriate.
Lying to God???
I can't lie to God; God knows my heart!
How can I be an example to my family, or anyone else, if I'm lying to myself??

The truth will set you free,
but first it will make you miserable.

~attributed to James A. Garfield

Now that I've exposed myself to the world, confessed my sins, as it were, announced my deception, even though I'm guessing I'm not confessing anything that wasn't already known publicly, I'm feeling a need to retreat into myself again, take the time to mull these lies over in a lot more depth than anyone else would want me to share.

I know that I am not alone in this self-deception.
Will you share with me as you look into your own soul and start peeling back those layers?