My New Blog Debuts!

Well, I did it!
It's not perfect (of course it's not perfect....I mean-- it's not exactly what I meant for it to be!), but if I keep waiting for my fingers to type exactly the right words, it ain't never gonna happen!

http://www.GutWrenching.blogspot.com

I feel such a need to share my journey through the hell of multiple chronic illnesses, including some deadly food allergies, in the hopes of helping someone else who is suffering as I have, at the very least providing them with some hope in the knowledge that they are not alone.

At Gut Wrenching I plan to share the ups and downs of this crazy, messy life, links to useful information, tips on resources, what has worked for me, and, of course, reaching my dream, my goal---HEALTH!

Double Dare You!

Wishful thinking... wont' be long; it's almost time!  Photo by Timothy Schildknecht

                                                                                                                                                               

Every morning that I wake up and choose to do what's best for my body and spirit, choose to welcome change and growth no matter what that means, choose what's right in spite of what the world says, I feel like I'm living a tremendous dare.
It's frightening and exhilarating all in the same moment.


I've made several commitments to myself over the past few months, all leading toward better health in body and mind.
Have I made mis-steps along the way? Of course I have.
Have I felt my spirit lagging throughout these trials and changes? Most certainly.
But every day, I get up and start all over again.
In every moment, I try to choose what's best.


I wish to continue to dare to commit to this quest...every moment of every day.
Who's with me?


As many of you may know, I have suffered for years with several ailments, including lupus, multiple food allergies, diabetes, fibromyalgia and depression. The latest---strange digestive anomalies that have defied diagnoses.
Realizing that I had to take responsibility for my own healing, I've made many changes in diet and lifestyle, and have committed to 6 months with the lovely Kristi Skiles-Hyllen of Kitchen Witch Coaching. 
I'm in the process of setting up a second blog devoted to sharing useful information with others in similar circumstances, while documenting my progress.
Watch here for an announcement when it's ready to publish.

The Weight of the World

 ~ Queen Bonnie ~

a page from the book I made for her

in honor of her college graduation last summer

It's Wishcasting Wednesday again, and our friend Jamie asks a pointed question--- What burden do you wish to put down?

Oh baby! Are you kidding??

There are so many!

I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (as I'm sure many women do...don't you?), to the point that it manifested physically---

Carrying everyone else's burdens as well as my own, has left me with arthritis in my neck and shoulders, unexplained pain in my arms, and fibromyalgia pain over my entire body.

Of course, as a wife and a mother, I'm bound to carry a certain amount of responsibility for those that I love.

But there is a line between what's mine and what's theirs. I'm learning to recognize that line and step back from it, allowing them to take responsibility.

A natural consequence of learning to live more fully in the present is realizing that it's not necessary for me to hobble around, all stooped over with the crippling weight of all of my own worries and fears. 

More and more, each day, I'm learning to stand up straight, recognize and step into the power that belongs to me...that has always belonged to me. 

Funny how we forget, and become blind to that power that we all possess. 

I'm ready to lay it all down, stand upright and face the sun.

That's my wish for today....to lay that burden down and move on, to hold the world in my hand instead of on my back.

another page from Bonnie's book, 

reminding her that she holds the world in the palm of her hand

BIG Beginning----MY LIFE

My very first BIG painting!
I guess that makes it my BIG BEGINNING! :)

On this beautiful, crisp, clear fall morning, perfect for new beginnings, Jamie asks "What do you wish to BEGIN?

How perfect! I know the answer to this question!!
I wish to begin MY LIFE!

Autumn has always been my very favorite time of year---
There's just something in the air that seems to rally even the faint of heart, with the promise of change, giving us hope for our future.
As another birthday approaches, with mid-life creeping ever closer, I've thought a lot, maybe too much about my life.... accomplishments, lack of accomplishments, what might be in store for the last half.

The first half, at first glance, was wasted, wandering around aimlessly.
Before friends and family jump in...YES, I DID give birth to five of the most beautiful, intelligent, creative and funny beings on this planet. I am well aware of THAT accomplishment, and very proud of it too.

When I focus on myself, there was a lot of aimless wandering.
All of my attention was concentrated on my growing family and their needs (as it should've been), but I was ignoring the basic needs of my own spirit.
It was screaming to be acknowledged....all that time. No wonder I've had such struggles with chronic illness! *shaking head*

And now nearing mid-life, it's screaming "now or never!".
I am learning to acknowledge, and at times even indulge, my deepest needs.
I've taken several art and writing workshops, gone away for a retreat, purchased "real" art supplies for myself.....and sometimes it's been a wrestling match with myself!
But I am feeling my spirit grow and stretch toward a new life...one I can call my own.

I'd like to thank lots of folks who've been supportive and have helped me to begin this new life (and if I leave anyone out, please forgive me!)----
Lisa Rough, Sarah Sullivan, Baraka Elihu, Carmen Torbus, and Connie Hozvicka
And of course there's our dear Jamie Ridler!
I'm participating in Dirty Footprints Studio's BIG workshop just now. My spirit (and several online friends!) told me that this was a pretty cool jumping off point.

Yep, I'm ready.....
ready to begin MY LIFE.
MINE.

Ahhhh ...... Peace

Sweet Rose
by John William Waterhouse
One of my favorites of all time!

I had decided I would not post today upon seeing Jamie's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt.
What do I wish to experience??
Come on!
The list is far too long!

As usual, upon further consideration
.... and I wonder if this is not Jamie's intention, to make us do more than pop off the first thing that comes to mind, realizing that there is more to the prompt...more to US than that......
the answer came to mind----

I wish to experience PEACE.

If I can experience even a small few of the items on my list, I will experience peace.
I wish to experience health.
I wish to experience some semblance of financial security.
I wish to experience the joy of using my God-given gifts each day.

And I wish true peace for myself, my family, my friends, all of us.

Yeah, Yeah.. It's Tuesday....

Hannah doodled this lovely creature from
one of my cast-off portraits.
Wonder what she's trying to represent here?
Rage, depression, contempt?
Is this how my family sees me?
YIKES!

and I am not feeling myself today.
So I suppose that the awful UN-self-portrait is appropriate today.
This one was actually done by my youngest daughter. She snagged one of my self-portrait blanks and this was what she came up with. Unngh....

Changes in health, medication adjustments, changes in my body that appear to be beyond my control, changes in weather....
And FAR too much to catch up with have left me feeling....well....a lot like that creature that Hannah drew.

Instead of finishing a piece I intend to submit to a magazine (due Friday), or making a baby quilt (due before the baby actually gets here!), OR creating something of some substance for our wedding anniversary (which is Thursday---I've been married to that Canadian for 6 years!),
I've moped and slept today.

Patience is not what I'm known for, especially patience with myself.
At this point, I am in a position that I vowed I would never be in.
I hate taking pharmaceuticals in the first place, and stayed off them as long as I possibly could.
First it was meds for the diabetes.
Now it's meds for the fibromyalgia, but one of them is causing my blood sugar to spike, which means taking more of the other to compensate for the damage this one is causing.
I SWORE, after watching too many members of my family balance medications (for things that I thought they should just take responsibility for) that this would never happen to me.
Not only do I feel WAY out of sorts today, I am angry with myself.

It's Tuesday.
I posted a self portrait, as I'd committed to.
Now I think I'll go back into my lair and curl up under the covers.

What Do You Wish to Be Gentle With Today?

Georgia pollen, actual size
No wonder we're all suffering so! ;)

Seriously, I haven't had such a rough spring as far as allergies go....a little bit of a stuffy nose, and crunchy eyes first thing in the morning....not nearly so much as most Georgians are suffering right now.

I've been sick since Monday, thinking it was just another lupus-thing, compounded by allergies, until I started running a fever last night. That's when I knew--- this is a COLD.

Having lupus/fibromyalgia, I have to be extra careful with even little things like colds.
I tend to push myself to keep going, rather than wallowing in my pain or weakness, but I'm learning (after HOW long?!)....I HAVE to take it easy sometimes!

When Jamie asked today "what do you wish to be gentle with", my answer was obvious---
I wish to be gentle with myself!
And I'm betting that "myself" will be the number one answer on the Wishcasting circuit today!
I'm learning that I need to be gentle with myself far more often than I allow, but I especially need it when I am sick, or it can lead to serious complications.

So it's another cup of peppermint tea and back to bed for me.
Go and enjoy this gorgeous spring day for me!

What Do We Wish to Dare?

Raquy

From Jamie Ridler--

"You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment. It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together."

Today's Wishcasting Wednesday prompt--
What do you wish to dare?

Wow Jamie!
Do the wish prompts always have to bring up so much stuff?? :D
All the prompts over the last few weeks have brought up lists of wishes, from which I'm never able to pick just one.

Today's is no different.
There is much that I wish to dare. But having been practically an invalid for the past year, and ill for many years, even the small dares are huge to me.
Starting my blog, participating in Wishcasting Wednesday each week, producing my own Halloween art show, sponsoring what promises to be a gigantic community art event/fundraiser, and now being involved in Art Every Day month.... All a big, BIG deal for me!

Tonight, I'll be living a huge dare (for ME).
Tonight I'm going to a concert, probably all by myself (that's how badly I want to go).
Sunday I discovered Raquy and the Cavemen (thanks Christine!) and I re-discovered how great it feels to move my body! Lupus and fibromyalgia keep my body pretty well locked up, so it's been years since I've gotten up and moved like that. I danced around the house all afternoon; I cleaned and danced on Monday, and yesterday...well, yesterday I realized that I didn't feel too bad!

Yesterday I discovered that this group is playing just 20 minutes away, TONIGHT!
Coincidence? I think NOT!

My ticket is in my hand, and I'm ready to go. I may not last for the whole show, but I am so excited to hear this drumming live and witness the beauty of belly dancing, and actually feeling it all in my body. I'm excited to think that this is something that can actually help me to feel well again.

Thank you friends for all your sweet wishes, sending healing my way---they're working!!

AHEM....
I am hereby amending this post.
What I wish to dare really, truly----to be ME, to just be ME.
I think that just might fix everything.....